"Disabled" Shouldn't EVER Mean "Dismissed", "Dehumanised" or "Debased"...
The Ablest Rhetoric of the Government & Mass Media has been seeping BACK into Medical/Social Care to the shocking point where we are no longer People or Patients to them. We Are Now Only "Problems"...
Being Disabled and inevitably seen as “less" also shouldn’t mean that Medical, Mental Health, & Social Care “Professionals” are constantly, overly, and selfishly Prioritising THEIR OWN Needs & Decisions FAR Ahead of those of their patients/clients.
They Care NAUGHT for the Opinions, Requirements or Suffering the Patients/Clients experience, because THEY Always DECIDE What THEY Thought or Wanted Was Paramount.
It somehow NEVER Occurs To THEM that WE should NEVER Be Penalised Because THEY Decided THEIR Requirements were THE MOST IMPORTANT, and Never Bothered Even ASKING If It Was Something YOU Wanted, Needed, or What Way Worked Best For YOU - y’know, since you’re the one who’s Chronically ILL, Disabled, in Agonising Pain, Struggling with moving/ breathing/ seeing/ mobilising [etc], bed/house-bound, EXHAUSTED BEYOND EXHAUSTED… And ALL the OTHER MYRIAD of things WE Are Suffering With… When. They’re. NOT.
What’s even WORSE than that, is When You DID Tell Them That It Was ** A BAD Idea/Decision, Would HARM You, Would Cause You Pain or Distress, etc ** - and they WENT AHEAD and MADE You Do It ANYWAY [… Quite recently been there, done that; and over THREE Months Later, I’m STILL Physically & Cognitively Suffering From It… and PAYING With Our Lives For It.].
Very Unfortunately of late, being Disabled has somehow Not Only become synonymous with “Dismissed”, but also with Being Treated Like You’re Five Years Old - and without the First Fekkin Clue About Anything…
“Normal” people just trat you like you **Absolutely, CANNOT. BE. TRUSTED.** — When It Comes To ANYTHING…
Like… Having Autonomy, Knowing & Owning Your Own Mind, Being Able To Make [the “right”] Decisions, Understanding Yourself & Your Abilities.
So… Seriously — Just WHAT The Actual HELL IS Actually WRONG with Medical and Health & Social Care Professionals These Days BEING Like That...??!!? It’s like, suddenly, being “Disabled” means being Synonymously Treated Like A Child:
…Ignored, talked down to, having decisions made for you… Dehumanized. Infantilised. Debased. Refused Self-Acknowledgment or Self-Worth. Forget Anything ANYWHERE NEAR “Respect”.
EVERY Other Minute, it seems, one or more will be Ableist, Heartless, Cold & Demeaning, Outright Debasing, REFUSE To Listen, Ghosting, and PHONE at the LAST Minute of the DAY When it’s been my Meds Time for the better part of a Decade…Making it impossible to take them for a LONG TIME THEREAFTER, and effectively Denying Me My Meds, because I can’t cope and I’m too Distressed to take them. Having Dysphagia, this basically means it could technically have the potential to Literally Kill Me, so I don’t ever plan to do anything that breaks my own “Rules" regarding that, which includes " NEVER Consuming ANYTHING Whilst Upset or Distress”.
I’m Autistic and have a LIFETIME CPTSD from, of, about because of Medical Professionals, Mental Health Professionals & Social Workers. I am never going to be OK with them, but they could at least make it LESS TERRORISING. I’m terrified of unsolicited phone calls and people knocking on doors. I don’t trust ANYONE except maybe about two people and All Animals. I’d prefer a pack of angry, feral Pitbulls or Tigers than I would a single human being. And I’d definitely get along with them a heck of at a lot better, too.
Y’know, to be honest, they [medical people, social care people] used to be quite nice & accommodating there for a little while, to me for the past few years… THEN BAM -- they all got NASTY….!??!
So… Just Yesterday… Was JUST ABOUT Managing To Get Through ANOTHER AWFUL Day... When It Just Got WORSE.
BECAUSE - AS USUAL - Somebody Else Makes A Decision That Is ABOUT THEM and NOT US - Yet DEVASTATES Us...
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Me, Myself, and I …. and my household family... have been PUT THROUGH THE WRINGER a LOT over my entire lifetime. Of late, it’s suddenly become a REALLY REALLY BAD AGAIN, somehow.
However, the Past Year Has Been HELL ON EARTH, thanks to Medical “Professionals” and Social Care “Professionals”… being VERY VERY UN-Professional, Insensitive, Tone Deaf & outright Debasing.
It ALWAYS comes down to being FORCED to engage under THEIR Rules… Too Bad If They’re Not Good For You.
To Get Around the fact they’re NOT actually any good to you, they then just try and make YOU feel like YOU’RE Being Difficult for requiring Different Support or Necessities. It ALSO basically comes down to “Because I/We Said So”, when they make decisions FOR YOU, which is Preposterous.
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Yesterday, the Social Worker people called right out of the blue… And I’m already Absolutely PETRIFIED of Phonecalls. They tipped me RIGHT Over The Edge… All Because THEY DECIDED that Ronni Absolutely NEEDED to “see this Social Worker” they had whom they thought she would “get along with”. But No REAL “Reason" as to WHY. Just that my friend " Ronni”, who lives with me and my family, has " Special Needs”… And my skin in CRAWLING, because it was said in such a saccharine passive-aggressive, pre-emptive, presumptuous, disingenuous, patronising way. To get more information, I force myself to agree.
They Didn’t ASK. They Passive-Aggressively DEMANDED IT. I tried to push at it, and there was No Give This Time; they were Going To Come... Like we’re both 10yo at a Birthday Party and our parents are forcibly going to be turning up to discuss things with us… Checking up on us. “Why?” … And the answer is some passive-aggressive version of “Because We Said So”. Again.
They used this the last two or three times; it’s so laughable… Laughably-pathetic, they don’t even realise it.
They CLAIMED they wanted to “see what [they] can do to help” [again; it hasn’t changed; we’re still very ill, thank you]. It’s now not even about “what they can do” - it’s about “What. They. DID”… Which was to BREAK DOWN our fragile attempt at RECOVERING from what happened over the PAST YEAR to us.
What HAPPENED when they called was A CATASTRPHIC MENTAL HEALTH BREAKDOWN, instead, and DESTABILISING EVERYTHING AGAIN, WORSE, MORE. I WAS GETTING SOMEWHERE WITH STUFF…!??!
They Re-Traumatised Us… Triggered and Escalated Sheer and Utter PANIC, TERROR, Hyper-Anxiety, Traumatic Response, Flashbacks from CPTSD & PTSD in BOTH of us… And to the point where I ended up in an Overwhelming Autistic Meltdown AND Shutdown Simultaneously [yes, apparently it IS Possible…??!?].
And Now? … It’s Been DAYS -- and I’m STILL NOWHERE NEAR “OK".
ALL these " Professionals” come out with “I just want to HELP"… And yet NONE will DO The THINGS That WILL Actually HELP. They want to do it THEIR Way.. Which Is ALWAYS Immensely, Immeasurably & CATASTROPHICALLY Devastating To Us.
If they wanted to HELP, they would LEAVE US ALONE To HEAL.
THEY HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA THE DEEP, PERMANENT, OVERWHELMING DAMAGE THEY CREATE & LEAVE BEHIND.
… Other Relevant Background Info For This To Make At Least Some Sense: My lifelong best friend came to live with us [my parents, myself, and Souly the Dog] in 2018, with her own little doggy. “Ronni" was supposed to stay just a while to help [my then working parents] look after me - she’s Disabled with some congenital medical conditions, and has Learning Disabilities, but was also mobile and mostly as generally as capable as any general human being needs to be - and was way than 100% better than I sure was at the time.
But, then her own mother lied to her and her neuro consultant and pushed back a major appointment with said neuro consultant behind her back, despite her obviously needing it. It was a catastrophic decision. Made FOR Her.
… And I hadn’t been aware quite how ill she’d been feeling for a very long time - mainly because her own family were dismissive and debasing towards her; she wasn’t even a third-class citizen, and told “not to be ‘a lazy b*ch” … So, she believed them. Turns out… Yeh, Not So Much “Lazy" as “Might Possibly End Up Dying"… [but each to their sickening own].
Not even weeks later, Ronni had a MAJOR Hydrocephalus Shunt Emergency; had to be blue-lighted from our main hospital to her specialist neuro hospital for emergency [lifesaving] surgery (hospital bored {spelling mistake deliberate} deigned it best to ship out adult neuro services to them about 20 years ago; despite it being a Two Hour Drive away…).
She didn't come out of it unscathed. There was minor brain damage, not just from the surgery, but from a valve and shunt that had been mismanaging her cerebral fluid [CFS] for Possibly Years…
She needed more help; her mobility and cognition suffered enough to make a Difference, and my home was already fully kitted out for a paralysed person, so more than met her needs. So, she stayed.
THEN COVID Happened. Ronni had it Bad and It had THREE consecutive PCR POSITIVE Tests before she finally got rid of it. I had it but was actually COMPLETELY asymptomatic of it, and only knew because a PCR Test came back POSITIVE as well. BOTH our Rapid Response tests were NEGATIVE - so the PCRs came back as a REAL SHOCK.
A Year after that, she was hit HARD by the DEVESTATINGLY Horrendous outcome and Impossibly Shoddy, Life-Threatening Care by the local hospital surrounding the surgical insertion of a Suprapubic Catheter. Six Weeks after surgery she contracted SEPSIS but was almost refused care at A&E despite presenting as CRITICALLY ILL AND had been thrown in here by the GP herself(!) - YET if I wasn’t Madam BIGMOUTH when I needed to be, she’d probably be long dead, and that Makes Me Feel Sick. They Ghosted, Ignored, Mocked & Demeaned us both, in the most inhumane ways, at A&E. But then I refused to go back into the waiting room after they tried to take blood from her and couldn’t - they called a doctor down and she immediately said SEPSIS and demanded everything necessary be done, including immediate IV Antibiotics . And I KEPT on advocating for her, because she was 99% unconscious and didn’t regain Lucidity until THREE Days Later. She was discharged after just five days with more oral antibiotics. But Some SEVERE DAMAGE Was Already Done By Then…
Despite that, Urology REFUSED to allow the Suprapubic Catheter be changed… So, two weeks after that we were back in A&E with her CRITIALLY ILL AGAIN. Catheter was now COMPLETELY Blocked. Unfortunately, she also had a severe Diverticulitis bowel infection, and it was Boxing Day Night. It took over 12 HOURS for them to see her and change the catheter. Then they SCREWED UP the paperwork, didn’t give her anything for her bowel infection because they wouldn’t let me tell them about it. For the Next NINE MONTHS, it became an EVEN BIGGER NIGHTMARE< as we fought Medical “Professionals" about her catheter care to make it SAFE for her.
In the end, she was somewhat moderately further brain damaged by the MONTHS of backup of what is colloquially known as “Water On The Brain” - aka SEVERE build-up of CFS [Cerebral Spinal Fluid]. It was about a YEAR before some cognitive lucidity started coming through from her VERY Slow Recovery. She has virtually NO Memories of about 12-18 months of her life from late-2022 to maybe mid-2024. Further Effects included Severe Dysautonomia, Extremely Debilitating Vertigo, Mobility Difficulties, and more.
Added to that was Bowel Incontinence, from them ignoring the Diverticulitis Bowel Infection. That, probably along with the Sepsis, caused her bowel to basically stop working properly and developed a prolapse.
After ALL of that… NEITHER of us Would NEVER EVER Be The Same Again.
I’m convinced she has Long COVID; she has all the symptoms. I’m pretty certain I ended up with ME/CFS - though I’m waiting to be properly diagnosed. BOTH our lives have been irrevocably Annihilated by it, and the MASSIVE LACK of Medical Support & Understanding has only made it WORSE.
— So… BACK TO NOW…
The Stupid Social Worker Woman Calls — at 16.57pm.
... JUST WHY WHEN IT'S THEIR HOME TIME AND OUR MEDS TIME?? [Again, Other People’s Choices].
My parents, especially my mother, are LEFT to PICK UP THE PIECES of this in a MYRIAD of ways. She has to help us with Everything that we would need, and once upon a time, generally do ourselves.
The WORST One is the fact we are LEFT with LESS THAN ZERO ABILITY to PHYSICALLY FUNCTION anymore. That means my mother [70 this year; Retired RN, fortunately], is left to FILL That Gap; and also forced to watch us languish, deteriorate, and GRIEVE HEAVILY for lost life, TRAPPED inside our imprisoning bodies… Or not so much Bodies, as vaguely breathing Sarcophagi. We cannot manage usual Daily Basics or even eat, we struggle with drinking any fluids, unable to move and mostly not lucid. Ronni’s hyper-fatigue turns her into Real Life Sleeping Beauty until recovered enough; my FND goes NUTS and Functional Seizures render me unconscious for hours on end Every Single Day, plus Fibro causes me PAIN that cannot be borne.
We go for WEEKS without talking to my parents, and barely to each other, simply because We Cognitively CANNOT Do It; even a basic interaction is a debilitating range of Sensory Overload. We barely eat, struggle to DEAL with anything. My WORST Autistic Traits and Mental Health Conditions come to the fore and HARM both me, and the people around me, and Ronni simply Shuts Down from the same thing.
Why are WE then LEFT with THIS, because THEY DECIDED they “needed” to SEE Ronni IN PERSON… and Entirely irrespective of what HARM IT BRINGS?? ALL our lives comes to a STANDSTILL, especially mine and Ronni’s because we struggle with basic Lucidity and REGRESS Too Easily from activated & aggravated CPTSD. We literally are incapable of Doing Anything from the EXTREME Hyper-Exhaustion and Overwhelming TRAUMATIC SHOCK.
They’re ALL ALWAYS Entirely Impervious to the Sheer DESTRUCTION these “meetings” and “In-Person Appointments” bring. They are Wilfully Ignorant, Demeaning, Insistent that we NEED to go and SEE THEM basically because They are Obviously FAR More Important Than Our HEALTH, WELLBRING, MENTAL HEALTH, & COMPLETELY DISREGARD ALL THE HARM IT BRINGS.
They could just try a ZOOM call, then go from there, but heaven forbid anyone be THAT Accommodating, when THEY have decided that THEY Absolutely NEED an In-Person Meeting. AGAIN…
And It’s ALWAYS Someone ELSE’S Decision & ALWAYS One that HARMS Us.
There is also Another mind-numbing Irony about what they’re doing - And Not Doing. To be honest - Quite Frankly - it is Me who probably has a lot more "special needs” than even Ronni does… And that is saying something.
They always ignore me. I’m “The Support”; never seen for my own situation, complications or needs, whatsoever. Don’t realise they NEED to take Me into the equation when it comes to Ronni managing things, because we will do things together. We’re not just each other’s cheerleader or dragon at the door; we’re like… dogs who are called something like “A Bonded Pair” like they have in animal shelters, where they bonded and need to be homed together.
Yet, No One Ever Wants To “Check In” With Me about things. Because obviously Ronni isn’t going to do something that would harm or badly affect me, as much as I would ever deign to do anything that Ronni wasn’t capable of, or didn’t want.
It makes me Seriously Worried about HOW they “DECIDE" these things, as to who gets constantly bothered, and who gets unanimously IGNORED.
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I have a MYRIAD of Medical Conditions and Illnesses that make Life & Living anywhere from Difficult to Literally, Absolutely IMPOSSIBLE:
Functional Neurological Disorder [FND] has left me with a Near-40-Page Document Dossier (it was over 40 until I changed the font and its size), which left me SIGNIFICANTLY DISABLED - and includes a MYRIAD of complications: Left me with Permanent Paralysis and Quadriplegic, as well as a toilet roll list of Neurological complications such as Debilitatingly Agonising Neurological Pain, Widespread Numbness To Touch, Tremors in hands AND All Over Body, Extensively Reduced Manual Dexterity, Difficulty Moving [at all]; and Dysautonomia, as well as Dysphagia… All meaning that I have a SERIOUS Problem with managing Just About EVERYTHING — starting with The Most Basic Things and up.
There’s ALSO: Fibromyalgia which is barely controlled using a crapload of heavy painkillers for the AGONISING PAIN it otherwise leaves me in. Autism [that is now GETTING Very “LOW Functioning”]; Autistic Burnout - a VERY Serious Condition that affects the Autistic Person EXTENSIVELY & DEEPLY & Very Detrimentally - Both Physically AND Psychologically, including complete Executive Dysfunction; EXTENSIVE CHONIC FATIGUE rendering my entire body USELESS, even often Literally Too Tired to Breathe [see below]; Extremely Diminished Cognitive Capabilities; Extensive Memory Problems [BOTH STM & LTM]; Aphasia [Extensive problems with using words, languages & speaking]; EXTREME Difficulty Physically Being Able To Eat or Drink & Extensively NARROW options of food ABLE to eat at all; Unable to manage Basic Daily Care, let alone Anything Else [due to various Reasons that CANNOT easily be overcome]; & More.
SEVERE Mental Health Conditons: CPTSD; PTSD; Recent SEVERE Psychological Trauma [that I’m frankly Still In Shock from]; Trauma-Induced Regression; The psychological process of Autistic Burnout; Dangerous Suicidal Ideation; Eating Disorders [re-triggered by Dysphagia & Difficulty Physically Eating]; Extensive Agoraphobia; VERY EXTENSIVE PHOBIA of ALL Personnel who are Medical, Mental Health, and Social Care Professionals; ZERO Quality Of Life & ZERO Life Choices [due to Autistic Overload, CPTSD, PTSD, Hyper-Vigilance, Hyper-Anxiety, current Traumatic Shock, Sensory Overload, and More]…
I also strongly suspect I have ME/CFS and waiting to be seen/diagnosed.
Also complex but generally more benign ones are: Serious Clotting Disorder Von Willebrand’s Disease; Asthma; Pompholyx Eczema; IBS with Extensive Complications from being Paralyzed; & More.
… But Apparently I’m Just FINE.
I don’t live; I barely Survive. And somehow they actually seem to think I’M “Fine" and Just Ronni isn’t.
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Now, I DON’T WANT Anything [shudder]. BUT… I Do Not Understand - HOW am I SO Damned INVISIBLE To ALL OF THEM???
...Where Is Any Of This Concern About Me? It’s like they think I just do not matter. One more reason, proof, that I don’t.
I don’t mean that in a weird selfish/jealous/whatever way - I Just DO NOT Understand why they keep sending these Social Workers out to Ronni because of her “Special Needs" - despite her shooing them away QUICKLY because she doesn’t need or want them right now - but they actually IGNORE ME ENTIRELY, in any part of that equation of “Requiring Support”, like I’m her big sister and Just… What, Normal…?
THIS is where my " Manipulation” Theory comes from. They think I’m OK because I can rip them a new one without apparently breaking a sweat, masking like the pro I am, and going for their jugular like a seasoned court lawyer. They don’t realise I’m just a pitbull doing what my person tells me to do; I’m not a functional human being who can actually think, let alone do anything else. That after doing that I’m a MESS. That having to do it, is something They Do NOT Actually NEED To Put Us Through.
…All THAT, Instead of SEEING Me and Realising A LOT More of the truth, which is me “Being VERY Not OK/Struggling/MAJORLY Non-Functioning/HouseBound ”& MUCH More. MUCH Worse.
There is even the point that Ronni herself said after the phonecall - Where was any of this for her before - since she's had her Disabilities ALL HER LIFE…? In 2009 and 2010 her entire existence IMPLODED with Unimaginable & VERY Traumatic Tragedies - yes, pleural. Why not 10+ YEARS Ago when she REALLY NEEDED It…? Why now, when it’s THE Most Inconvenient It Can Be…??
What’s even so “Special" about her “Needs" that they KEEP Doing This, and CANNOT or REFUSE TO take NO for an answer, NOW?
I’m a cynic: I firmly believe they think she’s being Manipulated by me because I’m Madam Bigmouth and always talking for her. Always taking the conversations over [at her request]. Always talking to them, even telling them off, over the phone for her.
They can’t even see it for what it is - Protection. That she’s deliberately using Me and my Big Mouth to shield herself from them, because I don’t have any qualms with telling them to take a hike, and drag their [metaphorically] decapitated heads with them.
Occasional Autistic Superpower…?? → I Do Not give a fluffy rat’s backside about what anybody thinks of me [except close people I trust implicitly]; whilst Ronni has the Exact Opposite Problem and is Terrified of people thinking badly of her and treating her differently and worse for her Daring To Speak Out… And that’s Not Paranoia; that IS literally how her family and “family friends” ALWAYS were to her & used to treat her for her entire life, until she came here and I taught her how to have enough confidence to put in her own healthy boundaries.
So, because of that, they probably have this stupid idea that I'm manipulating her, instead of realising that she’s so Scared of THEM, she's using me as The Dragon At Her Door to keep herself safe from them. Other times, she's my Dragon. But when threats like this turn up for her — yes, threats; being we definitely see them as threatening — especially when we don't understand what's going on… We close ranks, she tells me what she wants and I'll Sort It, or Them, Out. Put a flea in their ear. Then usually then tell them in NO uncertain terms Where To Go. The Dragon Has Awoken, and she Protects.
… And when I am in Protection Mode, it’s better just to RUN.
If I had NO problem Demanding the London CEO of a VERY BIG International Corporation to Give Me or Get Me What I Need for the database project I’m doing for them, OR Telling the IT Dept. Business Manager of a MAJOR NHS London Hospital what I need to do, I’m going to do, and that he then he is Going To Do XYZ for me To Do That… Then I’ve got Precisely Zero Problems telling Social Workers what they can do with their attempts to keep pestering her and harm her further, because of their Paranoia, if and when Ronni directs me to do so.
They clearly Do Not give her Intelligence, Tenacity, Autonomy, or Decisions the Time Of Day, if they think that. They’re Ablest and dumb enough to believe that because I’m talking, that I’m also doing all the thinking, and ergo Ronni must Not be able to think for herself [AGAIN: Other People’s Decisions]. They are too Ableist to see past their presuppositions to realise Ronni is pulling all the strings, calling all the shots, and letting me know what she wants me to say for her, in the way that she communicates, and then I say it in a way they will understand - because she Doesn’t Have the Communication Skills, Ability, Spoons, or Patience to do so when she is under THAT Level Of HIGH Stress, Distress, Anxiety, Fear, and - often - Anger.
Well… Not NICELY & POLITELY, anyway.
These FORCED interactions puts our Mental Health, Physical Health & Medical Conditions BACKWARDS IMMEARUABLY & IMMENSELY. We DO NOT NEED “Intervention” - we NEED to be left Quietly Alone to HEAL. Mostly Mentally. From the Trauma these people CONSTANTLY Put Us Through. That, in turn, feeds into the stress and physical detriment of our Medical Conditions and illnesses.
By insisting in continuing to Do Things THIS WAY, it means that we will NEVER HEAL. The Traumatic wounds will always re-open and HARM, physically HARM, us — and we’re coming very close to a point where there will be NO Return. Not even a Minimal One.
I honestly do not know WHAT I will do if it’s a SOMEONE that pushes me or us over that edge into “FOREVER BEDBOUND & NEVER BETTER EVER AGAIN”…
After the phone call we were both distressed. SHAKING VIOLENTLY… VIBRATING with Stress and FEAR.
Our mutual Stress Response is Freeze; so we just turn into Petrified Statues, attempting to calm ourselves and each other down with long-developed and perfected mutual support.
And left wondering what they’re going to try and do to us, next. Dreading the next interaction with them. Not even able to SAY NO to this - it’s been FORCED on us… They Coerce, Manipulate, Push… Until You’re Out of Spoons and it’s JUST EASIER to let them do what they want to do…
I don’t have ANY WORDS how to describe how SICKENING that is, how it feels, how it claws at me like a violation that makes me want to rip my skin off and burn it, then throw up everything I’ve ever eaten in my life… To try and purge myself of them and what they have done. And.. Yeh, those are words… But they don’t even cover HALF of what is actually going on inside me, right then and right now.
These People have reduced our mindsets through Trauma to feeling infantilised, helpless, dismissed & worthless. Feeling like 5 year olds told off by teachers in front of the class. We fear them and their Decisions - because they REFUSE To LISTEN to us, they do not allow us to Have AUTONOMY, to look after Ourselves or make our OWN Decisions.
Heaven FORBID we exercise our OWN AUTONOMY, and they just wait until WE are READY to Engage and Reach Out To Them. Instead, they have made us NEVER EVER want to have them anywhere NEAR US Ever Again. Instead, they DESTROYED their chance of us reaching out to them, now. Instead of HELPING , they DESTROYED the work we do to push ourselves forward into Recovery from what’s happened to us.
Instead of managing to DO something that evening, in the intervening days, even all the way to Today… They have BROKEN ME DOWN EVEN MORE; Destroyed my mindset and left it a gibbering mess of Traumatised Distress, Frustrated Fury of having ALL THIS being FORCED On Us AGAIN. Leaving me Going Through The Conversation Over & Over AGAIN in my mind, to see where I went wrong in Saying NO to them for Ronni and them HEARING It.
Ronni was groomed her entire life by her family to be a passive victim to their extortions; little more than their very own Cinderella - and “little more” might even be Too Generous. Seen and Not Heard. A Fully Grown Adult treated no better than a Victorian child at five years old.
So, she gives the phone or the discussion reins to Madam Bigmouth, here, who generally has NO problem telling anyone what they need to do and - Quite Frankly - how to go shove themselves off a bridge, if needed.
… It’s what you do when you’re a girl in the big boy tech world, and your boss doesn’t have a clue because he has a BMA instead of a B/MSc Computer Science [surely needed to be the Boss of the IT Department??], and can barely even spell I.T., let alone know how any of it works; and you need to boss him around to Get Things Done.
BUT that infantilising way that the speak to me [us], how they’re demeaning whilst “attempting" [badly] to come across as “being kind and helpful", but just ends up sounding saccharine-sweet and as fake as Candarel, makes me Curl Up & Die Inside, whilst the other part of me is furious and sickened by their disingenuous, passive-aggressive Bollox.
I end up being 12yo again, when they started doing that to me, and STARTED that lifetime of CPTSD regarding Medical/Mental Health/Social Care “Professionals”… and at 12, I hadn’t found Madam Bigmouth, yet.
Literal SURVIVIAL has actually RELIED on Madam Bigmouth making sure that everyone around us does the RIGHT thing… and that also Makes My Skin Crawl with how DEBASING That Is. It should NEVER Be That Way. The amount of times I’ve saved my self, Ronni, or the Both Of Us Together [simultaneously] because I’m a Stubborn B!ch and Madam Bigmouth always ends up coming out.
You’d think these A$$HOLES in Medical/Mental Health/Social “Care” would GIVE ME A DAMNED BREAK to just CHILL, RECOUPERATE, LIVE [the best life I can scrape together]… But INSTEAD, I’m stuck FIGHTING Them For Common F*N DECENCY.
It’s Pathetic. It’s Soul-Destroying. It’s Life-Destroying. It’s Demeaning - and especially Demeaning To Us AND to THEM; showing them up at their ABOLUTE WORST.
What it all ISN’T - Kind, Thoughtful, Supportive, Personable, Humane, Understanding, Decent, Flexible, Accommodating, Accessible, Inclusive/Non-Prejudice/Open Minded; RARELY LGBTQ+ Friendly, Never Disability-Friendly…
- AND… They Sure As Hell ABSOLUTELY Do Not “CARE”. They’re almost NEVER “Professional". And They Definitely Need A NEW NAME, because the ones they’re given are a laughable ideal, that 98% CANNOT EVER Seem To Even Halfway Live Up To.
Soooo……
I think I’m just going to go with: -→ "Medical/ Mental Health/Social Self-Involved A$$holes”, maybe?
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